Saturday, July 31, 2004

What's in a name, they say

Looking at signboards and remembering names of places becomes an in-built tendency in a sales person's job. I had heard this some day, somewhere but little did I realize that this would even stand true for an Ukkath Variam Raghuvir Krishnan Varier i.e. me. If one really observes names closely, the individual (being not a sexist, I deliberately choose to avoid the conventional "he" here) would realize that this is a very entertaining pastime. So much so that one has to watch his/her step before going into splits of uncontrollable splits of laughter.
Even more so amusing is the fact that
(i) some names are proudly displayed on big boards outside shops
(ii) Some names are grossly mutiliated, giving in to the creator's desire for proving his knowledge in Inglis/Ingreji/Angrezi aka English.

The first of these amusing instances occurred at a lodge in a small town in Bengal. Waking up to the fragrance of fresh human excrement by the chawl next door is an experience in itself. One has to take shit in such a job, a wise senior had said. Didnt know he was so literal in his words. I should learn to delve deeper into each and every sentence/advice given to me henceforth. Anyways, after the normal ablutions of the day, I called for the bearer and asked him to get me some tea. There was a glass on the table which by the looks of it gave me the impression that it would serve exactly one peg of liquor (not neat, but with condiments/soda..)in it. Given the miserly quantity of tea served in these parts (which is one peg neat i.e. 60 ml approx), it would have been a gross insult to ask for a single tea in it. Dont wanna get curse by a mould of silicon dust in the morning. Their curses are believed to be very powerful. Hence to avoid the glass... I shall call it a tumbler since it deserves more respect...so to save the tumbler from humiliation, I asked him to get me two teas in the tumbler. That was the opening of the funny pronounciation/name of the day. "Saer, Dobbol Cha?".. Er.. excuse me?? The old lemon started throbbing fiercely and then settled on a decryption of the sentence. "Ah, yes, Double Tea..". The tea and the customary cigarette and subsequent/consequent ablution followed. We all work for the sake of the stomach ("Hum sab pet ke liye kaam karte hain"). There is also a saying in Hindi "Pet mein chuhe kood rahe hain" i.e. "Rats are jumping around in my stomach" meaning to stay that I am hungry to the extent that I could eat live rats right now!!! God bless the soul who discovered rats in his stomach. So that followed and once again I had to beckon for the Dobbol Cha boy.
"What can I get for breakfast here?"
"Toast"
"And???"
"Dim Maamlate.."

My little bit of knowledge of the local language helped me decrypt at lightning speed that Dim means egg and anything that sounds like a maamlate, which could be made from eggs can only be an Omelette.
"So be it. Make it a Dobbol Omelette please", said I.

That was it for the morning. This is how it all began. The quest for new pronounciations/names. Names are more interesting than the pronounciations. And there are plenty of them in and around this place. I shall take you through a few of them. For example, there is this famous place (so called famous) in the district which goes by the name of Jhantipahari. Anybody with a reasonable grasp on the Hindi language would decrypt it and start thinking why the hell the place has been named so? There are so many more decent names!! Jhantipahari would literally mean "A mountain of pubic hair"!!! How disgraceful !!!! It couldve been named Dimagipahari - "A mountain of brain" or Crappypahari "A mountain of crap" given the freedom to crap that our country follows. Interestingly the freedom to crap is prevalent among all classes of the Indian society.

Right from the village boy who s(h)its by the railway track to the biggest of politicians in the Sabha and even some of the fraud corporate strategy makers. The difference lies merely in the medium of excretion and the material - ranging from biological to verbal or both (with due respect to the constipated!!) respectively. Well, coming back to Jhantipahari, I figured by the powers of imagination how the place was named. Perhaps the people of the villages nearby shaved hair from all parts of their bodies and dumped them in some place. As time passed, biological degradation, coupled with the scorching sun and the effect of the bacteria and microbes, the accumulated hair degenrated into a solid mass of land suitable enough to live on. Because of the dumping over the years, the place was also slightly elevated and hence the name Jhantipahari.

Another trip to the interiors of the state. Met a gentleman on the local train who deals in potato business. Being a long journey and the chatterbox that I am, I thought of striking a conversation with him. After a few general interrogations on native places, professions, marital status, number of children, number of parents etc. the topic came to the names. I chose to lie and named myself Rasiklal Mandal. (I pride on the fact that it is difficult to figure that I am not a localite because of my grasp on the language). Totally ignorant of the fact what my verbal counterpart's name would be...... Shit !!!!.... Yes sir!! That was his name - Shit. Mr. S.C. Shit a la Bond... James Bond!!! My power to think and speak went dead on the tracks, literally (Remember, I am on a train). Now it would have been very rude to tell him that he was joking. I chose to look out of the window instead and imagine his parents. They probably were very similar to the parents of the kid named "Ahu Ahu" in the Glycodin ad. Maybe they went to a Sadhu for his naming ceremony and the auspicious crow chose the right moment to crap on the sadhu's palm when he cried out "Shit!!!". Quite a possibility. After all, Television is a reflection of life they say. Or was it Cinema? Whatever.

So I was having a jolly good time with Mr. Shit. Shit deals with potatoes. Shit sells. Shit mints money. Shit shits every day. Shit reads paper every day. The paper incident reminds me of a prof who used to pronounce "Sheet" as "Shit". He had gone to the extent of forcing us to imaging an "A4 size Shit" lying on the floor!!! The dear guy must have had some capacity to excrete like that!! Call it coincidence or whatever, as I peeked out of the window, I saw a truck by a godown with its name painted in striking red for the poor passersby to get a rude shock. It read "SHIT ROADWAYS".

Now I was convinced that Shit is a pretty common name in these parts. But a few localites were not very convinced by the name. Instead, being a bit literate in English, they were obediently squatting by the truck and performing the act. Gross, I know. But face the reality dear friends. Well these are but a few incidents I came across. There are more to it. Like the proud owner of the electronics shop who wanted the people around to know of his ability to service electronic equipments to match the best in the country. I do not doubt his servicing ability and knowledge of electronics at all. But somebody please go and tell him that his shop should not be named "Jhantu Electronics" as it has been. (It means something like "Screwed up Electronics" which speaks volumes of the credibility of the dealer.).

The last one is the killer. Some people are grossly undereducated when it comes to placing signboards. Take for instance the Gynaecologist in the town. I was passing by reading signboards on the walls and above shops. Having gotten into the flow of reading them, I suddenly came across this one: "Dr. Dasgupta, Gynaecologist Delivery assured in 6 hours, anywhere in the country" !!!! Ouch.... now THAT must be a very talented gyno, thought me. To my relief, a deeper introspection made me realise that these were actually two different signboards, the second one being that of a courier service. God save this place from creative names!!!